I'm taking this blog in a new direction with reviews of some of my favorite YA and teen fiction from the 80's and 90's. I recently got ahold of a bunch of Baby-Sitters Club books that I haven't read in 30 years! I'm curious to see how they hold up.
The first one I'm going to re-read and review is #40, Claudia and the Middle School Mystery. I remember liking this book when I was a kid. I generally loved Claudia books because of the cool fashion that I could never achieve myself.
(Warning: these reviews may get snarky and NSFW! Adult language ahead!)
We'll start with the cover. Hodges Soileau painted most of the BSC covers and often his blonde characters looked very much alike. This one isn't Stacey or Shannon, but a side character named Shawna Riverson, who's our main antagonist in this book. She's dressed like a peppermint candy and has the smug look of someone who lets her dog shit on the neighbors' lawn. The teacher is Mr. Zorzi. He reminds me of Ben Stein. Claudia is wearing a rather dull outfit of jeans, a striped shirt, and a brown vest. Shame, because this book has some famously amazing outfits.
The title "Claudia and the Middle School Mystery" is a bit of a letdown. When I first saw this book as a kid, I assumed the middle school would be haunted or something. Spoilers...there is no mystery in this book of that sort. Damn.
Chapter One: Claudia's genius sister Janine is helping her study for a math test that's heavy on word problems. Claud, as usual, is daydreaming. One word problem is about a girl named Gertrude measuring out chocolate for cookies, and Claudia mentally snarks that she hates Gertrude, "whoever she was." I feel bad for any Gertrudes reading this. You don't deserve that hate.
Claudia launches into a description of herself and her family, then starts thinking about how much she misses grandmother Mimi. I think we all miss Mimi; she was so nice and gone too soon. Claudia's actually pretty nice to Janine and appreciative of her help in this chapter, which is rare. We learn that Claud's regular math teacher is out for a few weeks and Mr. Zorzi is the substitute.
Outfit description!
"Here's what I was thinking of wearing the next day [...] I thought I'd start with my lucky earrings - the ones that look like Princess Di's. They're huge (pretend) emeralds, surrounded by thousands of tiny (phony) diamonds. Then I thought I'd work downward from there, wearing my new green-and-blue-tie-dyed T-shirt dress (the casualness of the dress would be an interesting contrast to those fancy earrings) over green leggings."
Interesting is not the word I'd choose here, but go on...
"The only thing I hadn't figured out was the shoes - should I go with my old ballet flats, or the black leather high tops I'd just gotten? I was having a hard time deciding."
Yikes. I'm sure we'll learn the answer in a subsequent chapter. I await it with bated breath.
Chapter 2: Confession time: when I read these books as a kid, I always read the entirety of the Chapter 2s. I don't think I realized until my teens that it was ok to skip or skim parts of a book! The standard Chapter 2 stuff describes all the sitters, their families, and their personality traits. I laugh out loud when Claud describes Dawn as "mellow". I don't think Dawn really became a hosebeast until #57 Dawn Saves the Planet, but I still would never have described her as mellow.
It bothers me that Claudia says "ew" when describing how Stacey gives herself insulin injections. Several of the other girls would say this in the Chapter 2s too. I think that's pretty insensitive even if they don't say it to her face.
Chapter 3: Math test time! Based on the cover art, I'm now hearing all of Mr. Zorzi's dialogue in Ben Stein's voice. Claud panics when she first sees the test, but then takes deep breaths and does her best. She walks out of class feeling confident that she's done well.
BSC meeting time! I skim some more. Nothing eventful happens at the meeting. Not even an outfit description. I'm disappointed.
Chapter 4: Test results time! Well not quite - Mr. Zorzi waits until the end of class to hand back the tests, which is a bad move because of course Claudia's not going to be able to concentrate on today's lesson. When the tests are finally returned, Claud flips hers over to reveal a 94. That's an A- and better than any math grade I ever got! She's over the moon. But then at the end of class, Mr. Zorzi calls Claudia and Shawna Riverson to his desk. They've both gotten the same grade...because they both got the same answers wrong...in the same way. Claudia is too confused to realize DUN DUN DUNNNNN! Someone's cheated!
Gee, I wonder who. Surely not our protagonist. But Claud just stands there with her mouth open to gather flies while Shawna, the picture of innocence, claims she'd never cheat, and is immediately believed and dismissed by Mr. Zorzi. I think she must have been wearing a more revealing outfit than what's depicted on the cover. Or she took a cue from the classroom scene in Indiana Jones and had a flirty message written on her eyelids.
At any rate, Mr. Zorzi is a real piece of shit here. He firmly believes Claudia cheated, based solely on her past grades, with no evidence. She thinks this is the worst day she's ever spent in school, even worse than the first day back after Mimi died. She's about ready to cry and I don't blame her; it's awful to be accused of something you didn't do.
I'm still not sure what the "mystery" of this book was supposed to be. We know what happened and who did it. Shawna cheated; Claudia has to clear her name.
Wait. We never found out what shoes Claud decided to wear that day! The ballet flats or the high tops?! Tonight, on Unsolved Mysteries!
Chapter 5: Ugh. A Pike sitting chapter. Honestly, I hated the Pike kids more than I hated Karen. They're 37 flavors of obnoxious. This time, Stacey's only sitting for the triplets and Claire while Mrs. Pike takes the others shopping. The triplets break a window playing baseball and refuse to fess up to whose fault it was. This is one of those sitting chapters that parallels the main story so the sitters can solve the kids' problem(s) along with solving their own. But I don't care and you probably don't either. None of us actually read these books for the baby-sitting chapters. We wanted the outfits, the boyfriend drama, and a shopping montage!
Chapter 6: Claudia's in her room, dreading the phone call her parents are going to receive from the principal. She's just sitting and staring, not making art or reading Nancy Drew or eating the Cheetos she has hidden in her sock drawer. No, really, that's described in the book. The sitters always comment "ew" when describing Stacey's insulin injections, but I always comment "ew" on the state of Claudia's presumably ant- and roach-infested room.
Claud's planning to hide in her room forever, but it's Taco Night at the Kishi house and she can't resist the lure of yummy Mexican food. She's about to take a big bite when Mrs. Kishi announces that the principal called. Claud's parents don't believe her at first. Janine has to convince them that she's innocent, and I think it's sad that even her parents don't have faith in her.
They offer to go to the school and talk to the principal, but Claudia says she wants to handle this on her own. WHAT? NO! She doesn't even give us a coherent answer why. She just thinks things will become "even worse" somehow if her parents get involved. What? How would that make things worse?! Bizarrely, the Kishi parents acquiesce to this and don't insist that they WILL go to the school, like my parents would. I guess if they did we'd have no book.
Oh, hey! We finally learn which shoes Claudia wore that day - the ballet flats! I can sleep easy now.
We also learn what the mystery in this book is supposed to be. Not the fact that Shawna cheated, but why she cheated. Claudia's determined to find out. Again, why? Who cares why Shawna cheated? That's Shawna's problem, not Claud's.
Chapter 7: Another BSC meeting. The girls are supportive but Mary Anne suggests that if Claudia did cheat, she should confess and they'd still love her anyway. Everyone gasps and MA bursts into tears because that's her personality trait.
Kristy agrees that Claud's parents shouldn't talk to the principal: "I think it's best if we handle this ourselves." WTF?! What message is this sending kids? Yes, it's important to teach independence and self-reliance, but there are some times when parents do need to be involved. This is one of them. I'm fairly certain that even when I read this as a kid I thought it was bizarre. Claudia says that if she fails math (which she will, if she doesn't clear her name) she'll have to quit the BSC. So...have your parents talk to the principal! Ask to re-take the test! IT'S SO SIMPLE.
Instead, the girls come up with an idiotic plan to collect evidence that Shawna cheated. Shawna and her friends have been acting "strange" and passing notes. Dawn knows Shawna's locker combination because there was a mixup and they had each other's lockers at the beginning of the school year. (Apparently at SMS, lockers are assigned, and the locks are permanently attached to them. At my middle and high schools, we got to choose our lockers and we had to provide our own locks.) She suggests rifling through Shawna's locker to look for evidence. This is stupid, but we've got to fill 15 chapters and 135 pages to meet the Scholastic contract requirements for a BSC book, so off we go.
Chapter 8: Oh lord. Another Pike sitting chapter that opens with one of those "conversational" notebook entries between two sitters. One of whom is Jessi and I refuse to read her handwriting.
The triplets are still grounded because they haven't fessed up to who broke the window. Mal and Jessi are sitting for them and although I never thought about it as a kid, no 10-year-old would consider an 11-year-old an authority figure. At that age I think I only had a sitter if my parents were going to be out past midnight. Otherwise, I was on my own.
The triplets speak Pig Latin, Jessi teaches them Op-talk, and they still refuse to say who broke the window. Yawn.
Chapter 9: At school, Claud sees Shawna and her giggling gregarious gaggle of gossips go into the bathroom, so she sneaks in to spy on them. Because you know all the good shit goes down in the girls' room, pun intended. As expected, Shawna and her friends openly brag about her crime in great detail to each other. Shawna cheated because she was too busy to study, and she knew Janine the Genius was helping Claudia study, so she copied Claudia's test knowing that Claud's reputation as a bad student would work in her (Shawna's) favor. Alas, this being 1991, Claudia doesn't have any handy device to record this confession. After they leave, she races out of the bathroom and hightails it to the cafeteria to share this intel with the BSC.
Dawn says: "So Claud has solved the mystery of who really cheated -- and why," and my eye twitches because there was no mystery of who cheated! And the 'why' should only be important to Shawna's teachers and parents. "Now we have to figure out how to help Mr. Zorzi and the principal solve the same mystery."
Oh, I don't know, maybe have Claudia's parents talk to them? And have the girls each re-take the test! That's standard procedure.
I remembered liking this book when I was a kid but I'm struggling here.
Chapter 10: The girls go ahead with their plan to break into Shawna's locker to look for evidence. Apparently this is such a complicated and risky venture that it requires three pages of planning and a lookout. Girls, you know there's a VERY EASY solution to clear up this false allegation -- ah, fuck it.
Shawna's a slob who keeps crumpled papers, moldy food, and a bathing suit in her locker. You'd think Claudia would feel right at home there. Instead she gets distracted by a picture of a gorgeous guy. Good thing slutty Stacey's at the end of the hall being the lookout, because otherwise the janitor would need a mop and bucket in front of this locker. Claud finds a note she can use as evidence, steals it, then realizes she has no proof of who wrote it and no good excuse for why she has it. She puts it back.
Chapter 11: The girls are aghast that Claudia put the incriminating note back in Shawna's locker, but they realize it was the best thing to do. Claud's got another math quiz coming up, and Stacey offers to help her study, then suggests that Claudia ask Mr. Zorzi if she can switch seats so Shawna doesn't cheat off her again. If I were Claud, I'd ask to sit completely alone, or next to Mr. Zorzi's desk to take the quiz. And if I were Mr. Zorzi, I'd take such a request as evidence that Claud wants to prove she knows the material. But something tells me that's not going to happen.
"I've got it!" said Kristy, referencing a previous book: "Remember how we tricked [the bully] Cokie Gray into incriminating herself?" Continuity error! Cokie's last name is Mason! Who was responsible for this error: ghostwriter Ellen Miles, or the editor at Scholastic? This is the real mystery of the book.
Claudia decides to trick Shawna into confessing during their next math class, but her attempts fail and all she does is put Mr. Zorzi's attention on herself instead. Toward the end of class she sees Shawna writing a juicy gossip note to a friend, and leans over her desk to read more of what Shawna's writing...and she's caught in the act by Mr. Zorzi. Way to go.
Chapter 12: The Pikes are the only kids the BSC sits for in this book. So now we get ANOTHER conversational notebook entry between two sitters - this time, Claudia and Mallory. When I was a kid, I never thought about the logistics of how the two-sitter notebook entries worked. Did they both sit there with the notebook, one looking over another's shoulder, interrupting by pen? Or did they pass the notebook back and forth, prompting each other to reply? I care more about this than about the "tripplets" getting "ungrounded" (Claudia's poor attempts at spelling).
Mallory is sick of the triplets being cooped up in the house, so she asks them to stage a reenactment of the baseball game to determine who broke the window. She finds that it was a freak accident and no one's fault directly: a wild pitch, a bad swing, and a misjudge of the ball's direction. When Mrs. Pike comes home, they reenact it once again to prove it to her. Which would likely be physically impossible to demonstrate exactly, but whatever. This gives Claudia the great idea: she'll ask Mr Zorzi to reenact the test!
After dinner, she runs the idea by Janine, who rightfully points out that Shawna would just pretend not to cheat. Claud feels like crying again, but Janine just smiles and tells her Shawna won't get away with making Claud look like a cheater. Janine is such a great sister. But Claudia thinks it doesn't matter anymore if anyone believes her.
Chapter 13: Outfit time! It's a new day and Claud's got a new attitude: "It doesn't matter! I don't care! It doesn't matter! I don't care!" she chants to herself. But what outfit can best depict this new attitude?
"I decided to do a Ms. Frizzle. [...] My theme for the day would be The Sea. I put on a blue skirt with brightly colored tropical fish printed all over it. Then I put on a green blouse. I figured that could represent seaweed or something. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, over to one side, and I pinned it with a sand-dollar barrette I made last summer."
OK, this isn't terrible. It actually sounds kind of cute. It's also color coordinated, which is more than I can say for a lot of Claudia outfits. At least there's no neon.
"I ran to my closet and pulled out a pair of shoes. They're the plastic kind called 'jellies' that I had decorated with stickers of seahorses and shells."
Hold up. Record scratch. I was an 80's girl and you better believe I had jellies. I've never seen a pair that had enough space where stickers could fit on them. The shoes always had cutout spaces all over them. Even if there was a place to put stickers, I don't see how stickers could stay on them anyway, they'd get creased and dirty and eventually fall off when you walked, wouldn't they?
 |
| You cannot put stickers on these. Ghostwriter fail. |
Moving on...Mrs. Kishi says her outfit is "interesting," so she must not pay close attention to what her youngest daughter usually wears if she thinks this particular outfit is remarkable. But everyone at school loves it, and Claudia has a confidence boost and is feeling great. At the end of the school day, Claudia spots Janine in the hall. Janine's come to talk to the principal and clear her sister's name.
"I thought I told you to stay out of this!" I said to Janine angrily. "No," Janine said solemnly, "you told Mom and Dad to stay out of it. You never said I couldn't help."
Ah, literal thinking. Gotta love it, especially from someone like Janine.
Claud waits outside while Janine talks to the principal. A few minutes later, Mr. Zorzi enters the office, and then Claudia's told to come in. Janine's worked her magic on the principal (why doesn't he have a name?), and he isn't an ass like Mr. Zorzi. He thinks Claudia is innocent until proven guilty, and tells her that he and Mr. Zorzi will work out a way for her to prove she didn't cheat.
Janine is such a good sister.
Chapter 14: Claudia's allowed a re-test, which should have happened ten chapters ago. Mr. Zorzi allows her to sit alone in the back of class and take the test while the rest of the class does group work. Personally I'd be distracted being singled out like that, but Claudia ignores the other kids looking at her and focuses on the exam. She finishes early enough that Mr. Zorzi can grade it before class is over. It turns out she does even better than last time, and Mr. Zorzi apologizes for accusing her of cheating. Fuckin' A! Pun intended.
He calls Shawna to his desk and tells her that she'll be retaking the test tomorrow. Claud realizes that's not fair - she didn't get any advance notice. Now Shawna has a whole day to study. But before Claud can say anything, Shawna breaks down and confesses. She'd been too busy to study the first time and she still doesn't know the material. Mr. Zorzi makes her apologize to Claud, who almost feels sorry for her. Almost.
Shawna not only gets an F, but gets suspended for two days. I'm actually surprised that SMS took cheating that seriously, considering Shawna was generally a good student and involved in extracurriculars. I would have expected her to get a slap on the wrist. Justice is served.
Chapter 15: Claudia's in her room, painting and singing along with the radio. She tells us she's tone deaf. Does that ever get mentioned again? It's a BSC meeting day but no one's there at 5:29. Then at 5:30 on the dot, everyone including Janine bursts in with cookies, chips, and soda for a surprise congratulatory party. Claudia tells Janine what a great sister she is, and presents her with an art collage as a thank-you. Awww.
At dinner, the Kishi parents tell Claud they're proud of her. Well you weren't so proud when you accused her of cheating. Mr. Kishi even says "Your record is always clear with us" and...hello? Selective amnesia, anyone? They bring out a celebratory cake, and everyone's happy, and Claudia's proud of herself.
But like a sitcom, in future books everything's going to reset. She'll once again be struggling in school and hiding her failing grades from her parents and feeling resentful toward Janine the Genius. Like all the characters, Claudia got Flanderized as the series went on. Here, she struggles with math but can do it if she studies hard. (The same can't be said for her spelling though.) I stopped reading the series long before the arc where she gets sent back to 7th grade. I'm glad I'd aged out of it by that point. I'm not sure I could have taken the WTF of that plotline.
